His mother says her son was a victim of bullying and she believes the hate her son endured led to his decision. His friends and family called him A.J. According to his mother, bullies called A.J. many other things related to his race and sexuality.
I do not have the capacity to understand what drives a person to commit suicide, let alone when the person is a teenager about to step off on the beginning of life’s journey. The act of ending one’s life is unreasonable, tragic and inconceivable from every angle. “It gets better” is more fact than slogan, but far too many young people in despair end things before they learn this for themselves.
The Des Moines Register reported A.J.’s death and in doing so reminded readers of the string of suicides at Southeast Polk High in 2008 and the suicides of other teens who had been the victims of bullying. The paper decided A.J.’s tragic death was newsworthy and based on the fact it was a most read story on the Register’s website, readers agreed.
I stumbled across some rumblings about the Register story on social media and on radio this morning. There were two things motivating the bloggers and talkers. The first is that some teens may see the media coverage as glorifying what A.J. did and this will drive a few of them to copy him. The second is that A.J.’s suicide was his dreadful choice and the mention of bullies and hate is only there to push a political agenda regarding homosexuality or some other supposedly political correct cause.
Allow me to address the copycat issue first. Unfortunately, there are heartbreaking cases of young people doing such a thing. This is precisely why communities and schools spring into action to provide counseling in the wake of such a tragedy. But, the argument we should downplay teen suicides so teens don’t jump off the Brooklyn Bridge en masse is silly on its face. The best way to solve a problem is to address it head-on, not sidestep what hurts in a hope a kid grows out of what troubles him. Discussing what is painful is hard, not doing so is just plain reckless.
If those making the stay-silent argument do so because they think media attention glorifies what it is to be gay, I am not sure I have the patience to combat that level of crazy at the moment.
Generally, those who kill themselves have been driven into isolation because they believe their situation is unique. They believe no one has suffered as they have. They are at a dead end. By telling the stories of those who made the wrong choice and what drove them to it, we send a message to others facing the seemingly unbearable or insurmountable. Bullying has and, unfortunately, is likely to always exist in some form as long as people roam the earth. This does not mean we should accept it as OK and not try to stop it. Even more important, we need to let those who suffer at the hands and words of bullying creeps know we have their backs. There is a way out – one we can find together. Talking about A.J. and others who ended life because they suffered the rejection and ridicule of knuckleheads might help do this.
Those who commit suicide are both victim and perpetrator. Their action is not excused because they were bullied. They made a catastrophic choice and squandered the gift of life, but there is something to be learned by knowing how they ended up in this wrongheaded place. By talking about bullying we send a message this crime has no place in our society and another more powerful one that says suicide is unnecessary and wrong.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention there are some 38,000 suicides in the United States every year. Ten percent of these victims are young people. We need to conduct a meaningful discussion with our youth. Their future really is in their hands. The bullies win if we stay silent.
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Graham Gillette can be reached at grahamgillette@gmail.com
This entry was first published as a Des Moines Register online essay.
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